Parenting with an Ex: Back-to-School Jitters

Have you noticed the tell-tale signs?  The retail stores clear away the red, white, and blue picnic supplies to fill the shelves with binders and notebooks.  Commercials start announcing “back-to-school” sales.  The track and playing fields become full again as fall sports practice begins.  And then it finally arrives in the mailbox: the homeroom teacher assignment and bus schedule.

For a school-aged child, a mixture of excitement and trepidation grows with each marker of the approaching school year.  Can you remember your back-to-school jitters?  Wondering if you’ll like your teacher; what clothes you’ll wear the first day of school; collecting school supplies (that Ziggy notebook and Trapper Keeper binder!); who you’ll sit with at lunch; and, whether or not you’ll be able to handle the subject material?  Back to school time was fun and stressful at the same time.

Have you ever had a “first day of school” nightmare?  Dream analysts cite that “first day of school” dreams are common throughout a person’s life.  That feeling of being unprepared or lost is powerful.  So, while your child appears fixated on supplies, clothes, and friends - don’t lose site of any underlying concerns or insecurities that he or she may have.

It’s your job as a parent to nurture your child through all of his or her experiences.  You want your child to fully know that you are there for her and that you won’t let her fail.  Because you are a loving parent, you’ll make sure that he or she has the needed supplies and the clothes to wear.  You’ll keep track of important information like the bell schedule, bus information, orientation time, and cafeteria offerings.  By acknowledging to your child that all of these things will be handled by you, you allow your child peace. 

Divorce should have nothing to do with any of that, right?  When you take time to be still and consider your child, you’ll remember that good parenting skills are absolute and are not corrupted by marital status.  But be aware that “ex” distractions can happen, and be purposeful in keeping your focus on your child.  Through all of the back-to-school situations purposefully listen more to your nurturing heart than to the divorced chatter in your mind.  All children need love, consideration, and security as they face a new school year. 

Here are some back-to-school situation reminders to guide you on a Pro-Child Way^® path.

School supplies
When you’re divorce focused…
you send an email to your ex in-front of your child, prodding your ex to do something: involving spending his or her time and/or money.  Your child understands, without you needing to say a word, that you’re focused on making the other parent step-up and do the right thing (or demonstrating once again that he/she won’t).  With no plans and no supplies in hand, your child feels vulnerable.
When you’re child focused…
you say to your child “I promise you we’ll get everything you need so that you’re ready for school.”  You make arrangements with your child for you to take him or her supply shopping and you keep the date.  Your child smiles and feels secure.  Privately, you update your ex on your plans, making room for any involvement that he or she may want to have.

School orientation
When you’re divorce focused…
you check the visitation schedule to see if the school event falls on your night or your ex’s night.  You tell your child that it’s not “your night” and you send an email to your ex telling him/her that he needs to attend (or demonstrating that his failure to attend is noted).  You may or may not mention to your child whether or not you’ll be going.  Your child feels wholly unimportant and is uncertain whether someone will be there for him or her.
When you’re child focused…
you check the school calendar to see when orientation and back-to-school nights are scheduled.  You put them on your calendar and tell your child that you’ll be there.  You also send a link to your child’s other parent so that they have the same opportunity to schedule the event.  You tell your ex that you are planning on attending.  You offer to pick up copies of important information for him/her if he can’t make it, and you offer to take your child if it falls outside of your regular night.  You can’t make your ex attend and you can’t make your ex take your child, but you can make it a priority for you to attend and share important tidbits.  Your child is secure in knowing that you’ll not be missing out on important information and you will be meeting the teacher and friends.

Back-to-school night
When you’re divorce focused…
you spend the entire school function glaring at your ex.  You make it abundantly clear to your ex, and to your child, that you are not pleased.  Maybe you’re not pleased that he invited his girlfriend along.  Maybe you’re irked that he wore the shirt you bought him when married.  You go through the motions of the event and may even get some satisfaction out of your ex missing the sign-up sheets.  You comment to your child that YOU signed-up for snacks but her other parent did not.  Your child leaves disappointed and drained.
When you’re child focused…
you attend the school functions fully focused on your child.  You smile.  If your ex is able to attend, you include your ex (and any others) in your child’s world: having your child show all of you her classroom, teacher, and friends.  You pay attention to any parental sign-ups for field-trips, snacks, or conferences and share any opportunities with your ex and significant others.  You then tell your child, “I signed up for snacks in March so you’ll have to let me know what you’d like, plus, dad and I scheduled your conference time for after work so that we can both attend.”  You child feels loved.

Your child needs you!  She needs you to say, do, and keep track of the right things.  Remember back to your school days and look at your child with compassion.  You have been there, you do know what it was like, and you do know that feelings of uncertainty are mixed in with the excitement.  Do everything you can to support your child through this life transition and assure him or her that you will say, do, and keep track of the right things.  You don’t do this because you’re divorced, you don’t try to make your ex do this because you’re divorced, you do this simply because you wish to nurture your child - and through divorce, you’ll be extra mindful to stay focused on your child.

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Author, Ellen Kellner, is transforming children’s lives through her intuition, discernment, and experience.  Her book, The Pro-Child Way^®: Parenting with an Ex focuses on mindful-divorced parenting. http://www.TheProChildWay.com  She is currently busy buying back-to-school supplies and keeping school schedules straight.

One Mother’s Story of Rebirth and Renewal as the Illusion Fell

by contributing blogger: Grace Phoenix

[Before proceeding, take a moment to find peace.  Breath in, breath out and hold space for this mother and for all who are rising out of the ashes of divorce. ~ Ellen]

“I was one of those….those people some of you look at and wish you had their lives when you look at it from the outside. Handsome husband, beautiful children and being able to choose to stay at home when the opportunity presented itself. We were the fun couple, the one everyone wanted to be around, the house everyone gathered at for parties or just spur of the moment stuff. The outside looked “perfect” and I thought because of my faith, my upbringing, my life I would never be one of those who ended up bitter, unhappy, angry and divorced.

The one thing I didn’t have was honesty with myself. It wasn’t what we presented to others because the inside was a different story. When no one was there and no one could hear, my husband was depressed, angry and abusive to me. He took risks financially, with his health and with our relationship. Finally it caved in on all of us. You can only hold up the scenery for so long until your arms get too tired and people start to get looks at what is really going on.

Yet in my best June Cleaver impersonation I could and did sweep it under the rug. I thought that if we got counseling, the medication was the right mix, I was thinner, the meals were better, the house was cleaner and on and on then it would go away. I took that adage that life is a journey not a destination and bent it to mean that the journey should include lots of pain. No one can keep it up forever because at some point the costs of doing so take away too much and leave you and everyone around you empty.

Then it crashed. Yes it had crashed before and I had picked up the pieces but this time it crashed and it was burned past the foundation. There was nothing left and no way to sweep it under the rug. I took a long hard look at myself and my children and decided that it was time to make a decision that I had been avoiding for some time.

When my ex and I discussed what the next step was we knew it was time. We were civil with each other and wanted to do what was best for the kids. Even my attorney who looked at the situation said that it was a “simple” divorce and would take a few months. That’s what was said but that isn’t what happened.

I should have know that the marriage issues would play out in the divorce and boy did they ever. The divorce took two years complete with almost every issue you could think of only to conclude with what I had asked for at the beginning being given to me in court at the end. Those around us who watched it play out were astounded but I was not surprised.  You see I had hidden all of it and done such a good job that people didn’t realize what was going on. Even after the divorce was finalized it continued……

How did I cope? Well it started with me getting help and getting help for the kids. Then I began the process of picking up the pieces. I thought of myself like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I found strength in friends, family and sometimes by just smiling. In one of my favorite videos “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” there is a song which has a line about “putting one foot in front of another.” It became my mantra. I tried and put a lot of effort into not becoming angry and bitter and had a new empathy for those in my situation who other people thought were angry and bitter realizing that unless you walk a mile in someone’s shoes you have no idea what is going on…..after all, look at me.

If you are in any part of the divorce process take a deep breath and realize that however it plays out you will make it. You are not alone unless you choose to be. Many have walked the path before you and even if their situation isn’t identical to yours you can learn from their successes and failures. Keep moving forward and have faith that things will get better.

Reach out to people, read books like Ellen’s and know that many people are on the same journey.”

~Grace

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Grace Phoenix (name changed for children’s privacy) is a mother of two.  When I think of “If I can do it, you can too!” I often think of her.  She is purposefully and mindfully going through extreme divorce situations while staying focused on nurturing her children’s spirits.  I applaud her conviction and I welcome her to share more of her story as I know many will find inspiration for their own journey.  I bless her and her family.

If you would like to share your experience in the “If I can do it, you can too!” series, please contact Ellen.

Author, Ellen Kellner, is transforming children’s lives through her intuition, discernment, and experience.  Her book, The Pro-Child Way^®: Parenting with an Ex focuses on mindful-divorced parenting. http://www.TheProChildWay.com

Moving Through Change

I love my home.  For some people the living room and dining room have long lost their original intent, but for me, these rooms are my sanctuary.  A place free from toys, clutter, mess, and TVs.  They are rooms filled with things of beauty to me—candles, comfortable chairs with reading lights, books and earthy elements of rocks, twigs, and plants—all providing a space for special moments. 

And the moments are plenty.  It is a place of stillness while I work or meditate; a place of gathering for dinners; a dance floor for when my daughters and I feel like being silly; plus, a music room when my older daughter pulls out her guitar or my younger wants to perform.  When I walk into my home I always look around with such gratitude.

But now it’s time to move.

Relationship break-ups often involve separating from more than just a partner; prompting a separation from your home as well.  This is one of those times.

And while there’s room for all emotions, the predominant one that I’m wrapping around this move is excitement and opportunity.  My daughters and I aren’t just taking a step into new possibilities, we’re leaping into the great unknown by packing a new tent and a map. 

I’ve done the hectic move from one home into another.  Emotionally and physically it’s exhausting for all involved.  This time I’m taking a new approach: a month of being homeless.  Or, phrased more eloquently: a month between homes.  So while I’m gearing up to de-clutter, sort, and store, I’m also gathering up my camping gear.  Destination? The stars, big skies, and fresh air of the West.

Instead of lining-up an intensive move, we’re gathering images of “must see” destinations.  Instead of focusing on a perceived loss, we’re having fun practicing tent set-ups and learning about aluminum foil campfire cooking.  While our belongings rest in storage, our minds can rest in the simplicity of camping.  I’m so thankful for this opportunity - a possibility that only opened because of our move.

During one quiet moment on the living-room sofa, my older daughter shared that she’ll miss the scene that surrounded us.  And I agreed.  But I reminded both of us that it isn’t the room, the carpet, or the walls that created this sacred space, it’s the tremendous love that we all share and the special items that we chose to bring into it.  I looked at her and said, “this is our home because it’s what we’ve created.  This love, this intent, goes with us wherever we go because we value it.”  And we both knew it was true.

Yes, there are moments when I fret about our yet unrevealed next address, but I do know that getting there via the West will be a great adventure—one that will land us right back in the comfort of our living room, wherever that may be.

This is the power of a parent with intent: the intent to nurture her children, even through the ups and downs of life.  I wish to instill in my girls a sense that it isn’t the “what”, it’s the “how” that matters.  How will we be dealing with our move? By singing loudly with the windows down as we cruise to new destinations.

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Mindful mom, thinker, and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way^® of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience.  Her book, The Pro-Child Way^®: Parenting with an Ex is available through Amazon or www.TheProChildWay.com

ACIM Lesson 43: Healing our perception as a means of forgiveness

...or “how to stop hitting yourself over the head”

I am blessed to be a part of A Course in Miracles group.  ACIM is a journey through seemingly short lessons that, if taken in, can reveal great Truths.  Spirit has a wonderful way of reminding you of the validity of these lessons by correlating it to an experience in your life.  And there is no denying it - for it doesn’t “seep” in, it hits you straight in your experiential gut.  You know it’s truth because you Know it’s true.  Many of my truths, have been revealed through my experiences of divorce and relationship break-ups.  Here’s my latest lesson:

I’ve fallen in love… I’ve crashed out of love.  A typical experience that hopefully you’ve had some practice at - and I say hopefully because I’m an inducted believer in the “hit yourself over the head” method of learning.  For this “practice” leads to an awakening of sorts:  “ow, that hurt, don’t do it again.” 

I’ve had the wonderful practice of many break-ups - each one playing out an alternative ending.  The “throw the Rubix cube against the wall and watch it break into pieces” breakup when I was 16 was full of anger (and very dramatic - I was trying to emulate Scarlet throwing a vase above Rhett’s head); The “watch as your partner denies you in-front of the other woman” breakup revealed the meaning behind “Hell hath no fury…”; and, the “unrequited love” breakup had me questioning my worthiness.  And then there were two divorces, both painful in their own ways.  Welcome to my board.  They were all clever variations on the theme of “hitting myself on the head.”  And with my last relationship breakup, I stopped short in the process and said, “ow, that hurts, don’t do it again.” 

With the ending of my last relationship, I could almost feel myself standing in front of the snack dispenser, coins already inserted, selecting which “break-up” experience I was going to have.  But before I chose between the messy, hard, or crumbly choices, I withdrew my hand.  And I thought, “it’s ok, Ellen, that you didn’t see who this person was, what this relationship was, who you were, or where it all was leading… what matters now is that your perception has changed.  There is no need to choose a dramatic ending, your awareness is all you need.”  Seriously, that was my thought.  A frozen moment in time as I chose my next words.  I took a long look at all of those yummy end-of-relationship scenarios (as diving into emotion does have it’s temptations) and I decided that this time, my heart didn’t need any of them.  Walking away from the machine takes real strength. Ending a relationship without the slash and burn, takes even more.

The real revelation wasn’t so much that I discovered something new (and unacceptable to me) about my relationship; it was that my eyes opened.  What I saw before was what I wanted to see.  As the song reveals, “I once was blind, but now I see.”  Through our relationship, I was given the gift of uncovering a part of me that I hadn’t known.  I gained a healed perception of him, of me, of us.  The perception that I had of him, of the circumstances, even the perception that I had of the me that entered into the relationship didn’t matter.  The only thing that mattered was the perception, the healed perception, that I now had. 

And I loved it.  Recognizing this healed perception in me was wonderful.  Instead of the Rubix cube flying across the room, I threw love.  It wasn’t “his fault” or “my fault” or the “world’s fault”, it was simply a new level of awareness that I didn’t have before.  And how could I possibly be upset over a higher level of awareness?  I was grateful for my new awareness, and with that, thankful for the experience that led to it.  And, a great blessing was my daughters witnessing a demonstration of relationship breakup that only involved honor and love.

A Course in Miracles spoke directly to me: “Healed perception becomes the means by which [I] forgive [my partner], and thus forgive [myself].”  This truly was my experience.  It was in recognizing this healed perception (me realizing something that was there all along but hidden from what I wanted to perceive) that I was able to fully forgive both myself and my partner.  I was able to walk away from the “break-up” dispenser, because in forgiveness—which comes through understanding—I no longer had a craving for that painful experience.  To which I said, “Ahh, that felt good, do that again.”

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Ellen Kellner is fully committed to learning more about life’s Truths.  Through her intuition, discernment, and often “hit yourself over the head” experience, she’s on a quest to find mindful solutions to life’s situations.  She is the author of The Pro-Child Way^®: Parenting with an Ex which can be found on Amazon and at her site http://www.TheProChildWay.com

Seeing Another Way: a father’s journey through divorce

“Nurture Your Child’s Spirit”…  over the years, this phrase has served as a guide to me.  It reminds me, no matter the situation, to put my child’s heart first, even if it means putting my ego second.  As my journey through mindful divorced-parenting has expanded, I’ve been blessed to know other parents who are doing the same.  Their varied situations, struggles, and challenges strengthen the call: “If I can do it, you can too!”  Here is Dabis Camero’s journey through divorce and through his own struggle to nurture his children’s spirit.

Dabis’s crash course in divorce, was filled with all of the typical accompaniments: emotions over a failed marriage, a legal system that drained him - both emotionally and financially, and a divorce process that fueled reactivity.  But as foreign as this process is to most of us, Dabis had the added challenge of doing it through the ears and voice of a Colombian.  Although his advanced education prepared him well for his professional life, navigating the divorce system through your non-native language must certainly be an added challenge.

“The separation was an ugly process of legal warfare where the lawyers took advantage of two people with poor communication (at the time) and total misunderstanding of one another. The most painful part was the suffering of the little children.  When the “experts” and “rulers” decided to administer the time between mom and dad; they did what they believed was better according to their experience and knowledge; no feelings, no love, no humanism. They assigned me every other weekend and every Wednesday night with my kids. After this ruling,  I started a custody evaluation through psychologists. And, after paying enormous amounts of money the final result of the evaluation was almost the same as the first arrangement…  in other words, I wasted my time and money.”

[The experience which Dabis described fuels my championing of divorce through holistic law: mediation and the model of Collaborative Practice.  The old legal system of divorce destroys a family.  The holistic system heals.  Knowledge of this alternative will cause more families to seek it out, and cause more lawyers to become trained in the methods.  I feel that this is so important that it’s worth interrupting Dabis’s story. Links to Cutting Edge Law, The International Alliance of Holistic Lawyers, and The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals is on my site.]

Dabis continues his story with the phrase, “After all of this I came to realize…”.  To a casual reader, those words may be nothing more than a phrase of speech, but for those who have experienced the pit that powers a shift in perception, those eight words strike a deep and compassionate cord…

“After all of this I came to realize that the best for everybody (the kids, the mother and me), was to adopt a better approach to the situation. No matter what the parents are or do, the kids will always love them and by keeping a negative posture and attitude towards the other parent you cannot create anything else but an obscure psychological impact in the minds and the hearts of the children. Therefore, two years ago, I decided to totally change my approach to the children’s mother and try to communicate and help as much as I could. In this situation, what is truly important is the kids and their environment; what is in your own mind and heart; and, observing who you are and how you react to everything that goes around. It does not matter who the mother is dating, what the mother is doing, or even what the so-called “rulers” of divorce are saying.  Everything is in your mind and your heart. This process is not an easy one.  You have to pay very close attention to what “bothers” you, ask yourself why it bothers you, and pay deep attention to all of the things that condition and have conditioned you.

“After these fundamental changes, the result has been a very nice environment for my kids.  I see them happier and cheerful, a much better setting from what it was at the beginning of the separation, where you could only see those little sad faces suffering from seeing their parents morally and psychologically destroying each other. Good communication, understanding, self-observation, and universal love for the other parent will always be more powerful and effective than what the divorce experts, custody evaluators, custody conciliators and the rest of the circus have to say. It depends on you to make the difference.”

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Dabis Camero of Pennsylvania, is a father of two pre-school children.  I thank him for sharing his story, in hopes that other parents can “decide to totally change” their approach too.

Author, Ellen Kellner, is transforming children’s lives through her intuition, discernment, and experience.  Her book, The Pro-Child Way^R: Parenting with an Ex focuses on mindful-divorced parenting. http://www.TheProChildWay.com

A Celebration of Divorced-Parenting

A Celebration of Divorced-Parenting: Part 1

I love being around my daughters.  As fathers and father-figures have come and gone in our lives, one thing has remained constant: the three of us.  With 8 years in age separating my daughters there is no denying that all three of us are at different stages of interests, conversations, and dispositions but somehow our small motley crew has morphed into the three musketeers - or is it the three stooges?  Whichever it is, it’s blossomed out of deep love - the kind that never ridicules or bullies. 

This tight circle of safety frees each of us to experiment with a side of ourselves that may be outside of our persona.  My older daughter, the quiet peacemaker (think Winnie-The-Pooh), has been known to wrestle, tickle, sing aloud, and giggle uncontrollably within our merry group.  My younger daughter, a gutsy smiling charismatic (think Roo) , has added meditation, imaginative play, and introspective dance to her repertoire.  And me? Well, I’m just enjoying moments of being where no eyes are interpreting it as “showing-off”.  There is tremendous freedom when fear of judgement is gone.  We’re all benefiting from that.  And I smile when I see these daring qualities being revealed beyond our walls, as I know where the confidence was born.  Sharing life with my daughters is critical to my soul.  My hope is that other divorced parents are kindling and experiencing this magic too.

A Celebration of Divorced-Parenting: Part 2

I love when my daughters aren’t around.  Except for 4 of the last 14 years, I’ve spent every Tuesday evening and Friday to Saturday period without my daughters.  These are the days that they are with their dads.  Earlier today, I caught myself remembering that it was Tuesday, and in realizing that I won’t have two human beings looking for dinner sustenance I went “ahhhh!” and my mind quickly leapt to possibilities.  Possibilities of me eating ice cream or cheese cake or nachos for dinner.  Or running to the grocery store salad bar and eating in the car.  (My possibilities usually start with food.)  My mind just breathed out, as I remembered the break in front of me.  (Never-mind that the one looking for sustenance today is my dog which means my evening will be spent running to the pet store…)  But the point is that in doing my errands I can play whatever music I want or drive in SILENCE.  Ahhhh!

The routine of Tuesdays and Fridays are waypoints; little stopping points along my motherhood journey where I can do whatever I want.  Last Friday what I wanted was to be in bed before 9.  Whoo-hoo!  The Friday before I wanted to attend an event that didn’t get me in bed till after 2.  Whoo-hoo! And in the times when a partner was in my life, I’ve wanted to share these times with him.  I can do and be whatever I want during these moments: from a lump to an inspiring ball of energy.  Having my alone time is critical to my soul.  My hope is that other divorced parents are rejoicing in these moments of solitude too.

A Celebration of Divorced-Parenting?

But is this the experience that you are having?  In your minds race against itself is your household filled with stress along with your kids and is it desolate when they’re gone?  I often read facebook posts and hear parents declare, “My kids are driving my crazy!”  And these same parents are posting, “another night being alone” on days when children are away.  Why is that?  If this is you, is it really your experience or is it just what you think the world expects you to say?  I don’t know your answer, but I’m willing to ask the question.  As Dr. Phil would add: “How’s that working for you?”  And as I would add, “How’s that working for your kids?”

If it helps to prod you on your journey, know two things:  1) I love when my kids are home; 2) I love when my kids are not at home.  It’s good for me - which allows me to make life even better for them.

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In-between jumping on her sofa and vegging on it, Ellen Kellner nurtures her children’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience.  More information on her book, The Pro-Child Way^SM: Parenting with an Ex, can be found on her site www.TheProChildWay.com